10 Signs You Are a “Crazy Cat Person” (As Judged By Me, Purrnando)

Hoomans, let us have a little talk.

I have been watching you. From my perch on top of the refrigerator, from the corner of the sofa you foolishly thought was “yours,” and from behind the half-closed eyes of a cat who has seen everything and is thoroughly unimpressed.

I have seen you trip over your own feet to grab your phone the moment I yawned. I have watched you hold a full conversation with me (answering for me, no less) while I stared at you with the flat expression of someone who has never once needed therapy. I have observed you carry a cardboard box from the delivery hooman inside, set it down, and then look personally offended when I climb into it instead of the expensive cat tree next to it.

The hoomans who study cats — yes, they study us, because obviously — have recently concluded that cat people are smarter, more open-minded, and better at handling stress than non-cat people. I did not need a study to tell me this. I already knew you were more evolved than your dog-owning counterparts. The bar is simply very, very low.

But are you truly a Crazy Cat Person? Have you fully surrendered yourself to the feline lifestyle? More importantly, have you satisfied the minimum requirements of a hooman under my care?

I shall now evaluate you. Brace yourself.

1. Your Camera Roll is 90% Me (Or Whatever Lesser Cat You Live With)

Gone are your sad little hooman selfies and blurry pictures of meals nobody asked to see. Your camera roll is now a sacred archive. A museum.

There are 847 photos of your cat sleeping in a patch of sunlight, each one taken three seconds apart in case the light was slightly different. There are 200 photos of your cat’s paw, 17 videos of your cat ignoring you, which you have watched back multiple times to make sure you captured the full depth of the moment.

You know what this tells me? You have correct priorities.

Still, I must note: a phone case that is also embarrassingly human-brained about showing off your cat? That exists. The VEELU Custom Cat Phone Case lets you slap my — I mean, your cat’s — face on your phone. A fitting tribute. I approve of any hooman who makes their personal device a monument to their superior.

2. You Have Redesigned Your Entire Home Around My Kingdom

You did not simply buy a scratching post and call it a day. No. You approached your home renovation with the same energy ancient peoples brought to building temples for their gods, which, historically speaking, is exactly what they did.

The leather sofa? Vetoed. The minimalist aesthetic? Sacrificed on the altar of cat trees and wall perches. You have installed shelving not for books but for feline highways. You have placed beds in 11 corners of the house despite the fact that I will sleep in a cardboard box that arrived on Tuesday.

I appreciate the effort. I do not appreciate the cat tree you bought that wobbles slightly when I leap from the second platform. Replace it immediately.

If you must shop for such a structure, the Yaheetech 54″ Cat Tree Tower has received the kind of reviews that suggest hoomans have gotten something right for once. Multi-level. Sisal posts. Cozy caves. It is acceptable. Do not tell me I said so.

3. You Celebrate My Birthday and My “Gotcha Day” and Probably the Anniversary of the First Time I Sneezed.

You threw a party. There was a cake. You sang to me. I sat in the middle of the table, stared directly into your soul, and knocked the candle sideways.

You took photos anyway and posted them with the caption “she loved it 🥺.”

Reader, I did not love it. I was tolerating it. But I will admit, the treats were adequate.

If you are going to insist on these yearly rituals (and I know you are), at least make the food respectable. The PetCakes Cat Birthday Cake Kit is a microwavable, turkey-flavored, vet-approved cake mix that makes fish-shaped treats. It contains no corn, wheat, soy, or any of the other questionable substances hoomans put in things. I have reviewed the ingredient list. It is passable. You may proceed.

4. You Speak to Me in Full Sentences and Answer for Me

“Who wants their little tummy scratched? Is it you? It’s you, isn’t it?”

Let me be very clear about something. I do not have a “little tummy.” I have a dignified midsection that I will expose on my own terms and allow to be touched for exactly three seconds before biting you. This is not negotiable.

The fact that you speak to me constantly — narrating my moods, translating my meows, doing my voice in a slightly higher pitch than your own — is something I have come to accept as an unavoidable feature of hooman cohabitation. I am told it is “bonding.” I am told I “like it.” I will neither confirm nor deny this.

What I will say is that your ability to understand my various meows (hungry meow, leave-me-alone meow, something-has-displeased-me-and-I-will-not-say-what meow) is genuinely impressive for a creature with such limited senses. You may not be entirely hopeless.

5. My Social Media Account Has More Followers Than You

You created an Instagram account for me before I was two years old. You write my captions in my “voice.” You use hashtags like #CatOfInstagram and #FloofyLordPurrington like a hooman who has completely and correctly identified where the real power in this household lies.

You have heard of Nala Cat. You know she is worth over $100 million and has more followers than most small countries. You have looked at me — magnificent, imperious, deeply uninterested in your camera — and thought: one day.

I think this too. Mostly because I deserve it.

In the meantime, you will need a dedicated pet camera to capture my every move. The TP-Link Tapo is a 1080p indoor camera with night vision and two-way audio. You can check on me during your work hours like the anxious creature you are. I will, of course, be asleep. You will feel comforted anyway. This is how I prefer things.

6. Your Schedule Is Determined By My Schedule

You were invited to dinner on Friday. You checked the calendar. You noticed it conflicts with evening playtime. You declined dinner.

Your friends do not fully understand. They have not yet been enlightened.

This is not obsession — this is discipline. Consistent routines are essential to feline well-being. I have trained you well. You know my feeding window, my nap arc, my preferred hour for being brushed, and the precise moment each afternoon when I wish to sit by the window and contemplate the small birds with an expression that is equal parts serenity and barely concealed murder.

You have also installed a camera so you can check on me when you are away. I am watching you watch me. I find it adequate.

7. Every Object is a Potential Toy (According to You)

The cardboard delivery box that arrived Thursday. The crinkled receipt from the grocery store. The hair tie that fell behind the bathroom cabinet three months ago and has since become “the most important item in the house.”

You see my toys at the pet store. You buy them. I ignore them. You come home with a produce bag and I play with it for 45 minutes.

I have tested you. You have passed.

The good news is the internet has figured out that the best cat toys are often the simplest ones, a wand toy with feathers, a crinkle ball, a cardboard scratcher that I will destroy within a week and regard as a personal accomplishment. The FUKUMARU Cat Wall Scratcher is a 60″ wall-mounted sisal post that allows me to scratch at full stretch — as nature intended — while simultaneously leaving evidence of my presence on your walls. You are welcome.

8. You Have Cat-Like Reflexes. I Gave You These.

You caught the glass before it hit the floor. You navigated the dark hallway without stepping on me. You have developed an uncanny ability to sense when I am about to do something catastrophic and position yourself nearby with an expression of resigned acceptance.

Living with me has sharpened your instincts. You move things away from edges in houses that are not your own. You automatically check seats before sitting. You pause at the top of the stairs to ensure the path below is clear of the small warm obstacle that might be sleeping in the dark.

You have become, in the ways that matter, more cat. This is the highest compliment I am capable of giving. Do not make a big deal of it.

9. You Are a Loud Advocate for My Kind

You talk about cat rescue. You follow spay/neuter initiatives. You share adoption posts. When someone says “I’m thinking about getting a pet,” you become briefly terrifying in your enthusiasm and produce a fully sourced opinion on responsible cat ownership before they have finished their sentence.

You have fostered. You have donated. You have driven across town to pick up a stray you spotted from a moving vehicle, which required stopping the car in a way that was probably not strictly legal.

I respect this more than I will ever say out loud. There are cats in shelters right now who deserve a sofa to silently judge from and a hooman to wake up at 4 AM for no clear reason. Your advocacy matters. Keep going.

10. You Wear the “Crazy Cat Person” Label Like the Medal It Is

Someone called you a “crazy cat person” last week at a social gathering. You said “thank you” with the calm confidence of someone who has made peace with their choices and found them excellent.

Your mug says something about cats. Your tote bag says something about cats. You have, at some point, worn socks with my likeness on them. You do not apologize. You do not explain. You simply are a cat person, and you have decided this is one of the better things to be.

Studies confirm what I have always known: cat people are more intelligent, more open-minded, and more trusting than those who have not yet been selected by a feline. You did not simply get a cat. A cat got you. And somewhere along the way, without really noticing, you became the exact kind of hooman I prefer to rule.

Congratulations. You have passed my evaluation.

Now go fill my bowl. It has been at least six minutes since you last checked it, and I find this delay personally insulting.

Purrnando’s Approved Amazon Picks (Fine, I Suppose)

What You Need	Why, According to Me
📱 Custom Cat Phone Case (VEELU)	Your face is on your phone enough. Put mine there instead.
🏰 Yaheetech 54″ Cat Tree Tower	A proper kingdom requires proper architecture.
🎂 PetCakes Birthday Cake Kit	If you must throw a party, at least the food should be real.
📷 TP-Link Tapo C100 Pet Cam	Yes, watch me sleep. It soothes you. I know.
🐾 FUKUMARU Wall Cat Scratcher	Tall, sisal, wall-mounted. My sofa-destroying days are my business, but this helps.