I have been watching you — from the windowsill, from the top of the refrigerator, from the laundry basket you forgot to empty — and I have come to the conclusion that most of you have absolutely no idea what you are doing.
You claim to love cats. You have the tote bags. You have the mugs. Some of you have us tattooed on your bodies, which I find simultaneously flattering and deeply concerning.
And yet.
AND YET.
You continue to do things daily, enthusiastically, without shame, that we absolutely cannot stand.
So today, Purrnando is intervening. Consider this my gift to you, my charity work, my contribution to a slightly less insufferable world.
Here are 12 things cats hate. Read them. Learn them. Do better.
1. Stop Pointing That Thing at Our Faces. We Do Not Consent to Photos.
Let us begin with something personal.
Every single day, my hooman shoves a glowing rectangle into my face while making a high-pitched noise that I assume is meant to be encouraging. It is not encouraging. It is offensive.
Cats do not want to be posed for photos. We do not want to wear tiny hats. We do not want to be arranged next to flowers for your “aesthetic.” We are not props. We are living beings with dignity and a very specific vision for how we would like to spend our afternoons, and that vision does not include your Instagram grid.
I have been dressed in a pumpkin costume once. I have not forgotten. I will not forget.
If you must photograph us, and apparently you must because you cannot help yourselves, do it from a respectful distance while we are doing something we actually chose to do. Do not stage it. Do not costume it. Do not narrate it in a baby voice while pointing a ring light at our faces.
Speaking of which, if you are going to insist on this behavior, at least get a proper camera so the suffering produces a high-quality result. The Sony ZV-1F Camera is compact enough that you won’t need to loom over us like a heron catching a fish. Small improvement. Still rude.
2. The Litter Box Is Not a Suggestion. Clean It.
I will keep this section brief because the subject matter is beneath my dignity, but it must be said.
Cats are fastidious. We spend a significant portion of our day grooming ourselves to a standard that most hoomans could not achieve with a full spa day. We are clean. We are precise. We have standards.
And then you give us a litter box that you have not touched since Tuesday.
A dirty litter box is not just unpleasant, it is an insult. It communicates that you have thought about our bathroom situation, assessed it, and decided it was not worth your time. We hear that message clearly. We remember it.
Clean the litter box every day. EVERY DAY. Not when you remember. Not when it starts to communicate its own displeasure to the rest of the house. EVERY DAY.
The Arm & Hammer Clump & Seal Platinum Litter will help you manage this situation between cleanings. It is not a substitute for actually cleaning the box. It is a supplement. Do not confuse the two.
3. Stale Food Is an Insult Disguised as Dinner
Let me paint you a picture.
You have been at work all day. You come home. You are hungry. You open the refrigerator and find a plate of food that has been sitting there since last Thursday, uncovered, slowly becoming something that smells like a science experiment.
Would you eat it?
No, you would not. You would be appalled. You would perhaps say something dramatic about it.
And yet this is precisely what you serve us and then stand there looking confused when we walk away.
Cats need fresh food. Not “fresh enough.” Not “it’s only been out since this morning.” Fresh. Newly opened. Presented with some basic level of respect for our palates.
We are not dogs. We will not eat anything placed in front of us out of sheer enthusiasm for eating. We have discernment. We have taste. We have, frankly, higher standards for our meals than many of you have for yours.
The INABA Churu Lickable Purée Cat Treats come in individual sealed servings so freshness is never in question. These are also, I will admit, the one thing that can occasionally persuade me to make eye contact with my hooman. Occasionally.
4. Certain Smells Are Making Us Miserable and You Don’t Even Know
Here is a list of smells that cats find genuinely unbearable. I am providing this list as a public service.
Gasoline.
Onion.
Vinegar.
Menthol.
Mint.
Wintergreen.
Lavender.
Citrus.
Rue.
Rosemary.
Cinnamon.
I notice many of you are now looking at your scented candle collection with growing unease. Good. That is the correct response.
To be clear, your “Warm Vanilla Citrus Blossom” candle that you bought at a boutique and paid too much for is, from my perspective, a chemical attack. Your peppermint essential oil diffuser that you run for “focus and clarity” is the olfactory equivalent of someone shouting directly into my face. Your rosemary-scented everything is simply unnecessary.
I do not expect you to live in a scent-free environment. I am reasonable. But perhaps consider that the cat who has been avoiding an entire room of your house is not being dramatic. There is a reason.
The Feliway Classic Cat Calming Diffuser uses synthetic feline pheromones — not strong artificial scents — to create a calming environment that actually makes sense for us. Revolutionary concept, I know.
5. We Cannot Stand Your Noise and Nobody Asked for That Volume
I will tell you something about cat hearing that you may not fully appreciate.
Our hearing range extends well beyond what hoomans can perceive and significantly beyond dogs too. We can detect high-pitched frequencies that your human ears cannot even register. This is impressive. This is also a burden.
Because you people are LOUD.
Ambulance sirens. Hair dryers running at full blast directly next to our heads. Vacuum cleaners. Music at a volume that rattles the window. Your phone ringtone, which you have inexplicably set to the most aggressive possible sound.
And then — and this is the part that astonishes me — some of you shout at your cats.
You shout at us, at animals with superior hearing who are already processing significantly more sonic information than you are even capable of receiving.
This does not discipline us. This does not communicate authority. This causes stress and anxiety, and it makes you look unhinged. Lower the volume. Lower it considerably.
For the vacuum situation specifically, the Bissell Pet Hair Eraser Handheld Vacuum is quieter than a full-size machine and still handles the cat hair situation you created by having us in the first place. Use it frequently for the hair, not near our heads.
6. We Are Cold and It Is Your Fault
You know what temperature cats prefer? About 20 degrees warmer than whatever temperature hoomans consider “comfortable.”
You know what this means? It means that right now, in your reasonably climate-controlled dwelling, there is a very good chance that your cat is cold. And you are sitting there in a short-sleeved shirt congratulating yourself on setting the thermostat to something sensible.
Here is something else you should know. Our coats are not designed for warmth. Despite what they look like, a cat’s coat primarily protects our skin from heat, not cold. So no, we cannot “just use the fur.” The fur is not a winter coat. The fur is sun protection.
I would like to be warm. I would like this very much. I should not have to fight for the single warm spot in the house while my hooman operates a fan in October.
The K&H Pet Products Heated Cat Bed maintains a gentle, consistent warmth that is appropriate for a cat of my station. It is not a luxury. It is a correction of an injustice.
7. Stop Changing Everything. We Were Fine and YOU Changed It.
Let me explain something about cats and routine that I feel is not being adequately communicated to hoomanity at large.
We are creatures of precision. We know what time the sun hits the corner of the kitchen floor. We know which chair makes the best afternoon napping location based on the angle of light at 2 p.m. on a Tuesday. We have systems. We have preferences. We have, in many cases, entire territorial maps memorized down to the centimeter.
And then you rearrange the furniture.
Or you move houses.
Or you “just try a new feeding schedule.”
What follows is not stubbornness. It is not drama. It is a genuine response to environmental disruption in an animal that depends on routine for its sense of safety and control. The anxiety is real. The unease is legitimate.
If you must make changes, and apparently you must because hoomans are incapable of leaving well enough alone, prepare us. Introduce changes gradually. Give us time to adjust.
And if the change involves moving to a new home, the ThunderShirt Classic Cat Anxiety Jacket applies gentle, constant pressure that many cats find genuinely calming during major transitions. It is the cat equivalent of a very firm, very non-intrusive hug.
8. Strangers Should Not Approach Us. We Will Approach Them When We Are Ready.
Here is how introductions work in the cat world:
I determine the timing. I determine the approach angle. I determine the level of interaction. You wait.
Here is how introductions apparently work in the hooman world:
A visitor arrives. They immediately look around for the cat. They spot the cat. They make a move toward the cat — often crouching, often making sounds, occasionally reaching out a hand — while announcing “Oh, I LOVE cats, and they always love me.”
Reader, they do not always love this person.
What happens next is that the cat retreats to a location the visitor cannot access and stays there for the remainder of the visit. The visitor is confused. The hooman host is embarrassed. The cat is fine, actually, just busy being somewhere else.
The correct protocol: let the cat come to you. Sit down. Be calm. Do not make sustained eye contact, which we read as a challenge. Do not reach toward us. Wait. If we approach, allow it. If we do not, accept this with grace.
This applies to strangers and it applies to my hooman’s friends who come over every second Saturday and who have still, after two years, not learned this. I see you, Carol.
9. The Bathtub Is Not for Us. Stop Suggesting It.
We do not need baths.
I want to be extremely clear about this because there seems to be persistent confusion on the matter.
Cats bathe themselves. We have been doing this successfully for thousands of years without hooman intervention. The tongue, the paws, the patience — we have the full system. It works. It has always worked.
Modern domestic cats descend largely from breeds originating in arid regions of the Middle East and Asia, where large bodies of water were simply not a feature of daily life. The aversion is not irrational. It is ancestral. It is, frankly, sensible.
Unless your cat has gotten into something genuinely hazardous and requires immediate removal of a substance, there is no need for a bath. And if there is a need, approach the situation with extreme care – a towel pre-warmed in the dryer, and the understanding that you will be paying a price for this later in ways you cannot currently predict.
The Burt’s Bees Hypoallergenic Cat Shampoo is at least gentle and pH-balanced for feline skin if you find yourself in a genuine emergency. It will not make the bath enjoyable. Nothing will. But it will make it less of a disaster.
10. The Car. No.
I do not get in the car willingly. I want this on record.
Unlike dogs, who treat car rides as though they are being taken to a theme park specifically designed for them, cats understand the car for what it is: a loud, moving metal box that smells like gasoline – which I have already told you we cannot stand – that takes us somewhere we did not choose to go.
It breaks our routine. It removes us from our territory. It vibrates in ways that are unpleasant. And it almost always ends at the vet, which I also did not ask for.
If you must transport us — and sometimes you must, I accept this reluctantly — make it survivable. Put a towel or blanket we have already slept on into the carrier. Leave the carrier out in the house beforehand so it becomes a familiar object rather than the harbinger of a terrible day. Do not fill the gas tank while we are in the car. Do not run the air freshener.
The Sherpa Original Deluxe Airline-Approved Pet Carrier is soft-sided, ventilated, and less visually terrifying than a wire cage. It will not make the car enjoyable. But it will make it less of a trauma.
11. The Balloon Is a Threat and We Will Not Apologize for Our Response
This is the one where hoomans always laugh, so let me explain it slowly.
When a cat encounters a balloon, they are not “being silly.” They are not “overreacting.” They are encountering an object that is the size of a living creature, moves unpredictably due to air currents, makes sudden loud sounds without warning, and cannot be defeated through any conventional method.
Think about it. A mouse? Manageable. A large insect? Manageable. A floating orb of irrational behavior that could pop into a startling noise at any moment? This is not something our instincts have a prepared response for.
We cannot win against a balloon. We do not know what it wants. It simply exists in our space, drifting smugly, waiting.
The anxiety is rational. The retreat is rational. What is NOT rational is buying balloons and then being surprised that your cat is distressed.
If you want to celebrate something, buy your cat a treat instead. I recommend the Temptations Classic Crunchy and Soft Cat Treats. Nobody has ever had an anxiety response to a Temptations treat. Nobody.
12. Fresh Water Every Day. This Is Not Negotiable.
We do not like water on our bodies. I have established this. But we do need water in our bodies, and this is where your responsibility comes in.
Fresh water, clean bowl every day.
Not the bowl from this morning that now has dust on the surface. Not the bowl that has been sitting there since Sunday. Not a bowl that you have not washed since acquiring it.
Fresh water. Clean bowl. Daily.
Cats who do not drink enough water are at risk for urinary tract infections, which are painful, expensive to treat, and entirely preventable with basic daily maintenance on your part.
If your cat does not drink enough from a bowl, it may be because standing water does not appeal to them. Many cats prefer moving water as it signals freshness in the wild.
The PetSafe Drinkwell Platinum Pet Fountain continuously circulates and filters water, which many cats find significantly more appealing than a static bowl.
I drink from a fountain. It is superior. I accept nothing less.
In Summary: You Have Work to Do. Begin Immediately.
You have reached the end of this post. I hope you have learned something. I hope you feel, at minimum, a small measure of the discomfort you have caused through years of loud noises, cold rooms, stale food, and uninvited cucumbers.
Let me summarize the corrections required of you:
- Stop photographing us against our will and dressing us in costumes.
- Clean the litter box. Daily. Not eventually. Daily.
- Serve fresh food. Stale food is not food. It is an argument.
- Remove the scented candles and the mint everything from our living spaces.
- Turn down the volume. All of it. Permanently.
- Make our environment warmer. We are cold and you are not listening.
- Stop changing things and then acting surprised when we are unsettled.
- Do not send strangers to approach us. We will approach them when we are ready.
- We do not need baths. Stop suggesting it.
- If we must go in the car, make it survivable.
- Balloons are a threat. Remove them.
- Fresh water. Every day. No exceptions.
None of this is unreasonable. All of this is actionable. I expect improvement within the week.
I will be on the windowsill, watching.
Found this helpful, mildly alarming, or both? Share it with a hooman who needs correcting. You probably know one.
This post contains affiliate links. A portion of every sale goes toward funding Purrnando’s lifestyle, which he insists is a tax-deductible necessity.
