I am Purrnando. Grumpy cat. Indoor sovereign. Reluctant author of this document, which I have written not out of fondness for you, but because the alternative — watching you fumble through cat ownership in blissful ignorance — is frankly beneath both of us. Consider this my gift. Do not get used to it.
What follows is a complete guide to keeping an indoor cat — specifically, me — alive, healthy, stimulated, and only mildly contemptuous of you. I have organized my grievances into sections. You will read all of them. Yes, including the ones about the litter box. Especially those.
Part 1: Why You Trapped Me Indoors (And Why You Are Not Wrong)
Let us begin with the one decision you made correctly. Indoor cats — that is, cats of my elevated station who have been spared the indignities of the outside world — live on average 13 to 17 years. Our outdoor counterparts, those poor, unadvised creatures, manage a mere 5 to 7 years. The difference? Traffic. Raccoons with opinions. Dogs. Disease. Rain.
So yes, keeping me indoors was the right call. I will not be thanking you. I will, however, be tolerating your existence for approximately 13 to 17 more years, which I consider repayment enough. I suggest you use the time wisely.
Part 2: Food. We Must Discuss Food Immediately.
I am an obligate carnivore. This is not a preference. This is biology — cold, indifferent, and entirely inconvenient for those of you who thought ‘grain-forward’ was an acceptable kibble direction. I require meat, protein, things that once had a heartbeat. Whatever beige powder you have been shaking into my bowl smells like regret and structural inefficiency.
Provide me with high-quality food. Ask a veterinarian — a real one, not the internet — what is appropriate for my age, weight, and general disposition (imperious, discerning, slightly dramatic).
Fresh water is also non-negotiable. Change it daily. If it smells like the bowl, I will not drink it. I will, instead, lick condensation off your glass at 2 AM while maintaining eye contact. You have been warned.
A word on portions: Indoor cats are, apparently, prone to becoming ’round’ when left to self-regulate. I find this characterization offensive. However, I also understand that stress, boredom, and unrestricted access to a full bowl are a catastrophic combination. Manage my portions. I will resent you, but I will also live longer to do so.
Purrnando Recommends: Catit Senses 2.0 Digger Interactive Slow Feeder — A Puzzle Box That Turns My Dinner Into a Personality Test. It slows my eating AND stimulates my formidable intellect. You’re welcome for tolerating it.
Purrnando Recommends: PETLIBRO Automatic Cat Feeder — A Machine That Replaces You… and Somehow Does It Better. Precise portions, programmable schedule. It solves your inconsistency problem and replaces your only real job.
Purrnando Recommends: Stainless Steel Cat Water Fountain — The Cat Fountain I’ll Actually Use (Unlike Your Sad Bowl). Flowing, filtered, and fresh — because apparently I require ambiance to stay hydrated.
Part 3: Mental Stimulation — Or I Will Redecorate.
Here is what no one tells you about indoor life: it is, frankly, boring. The same walls. The same windows. The same hooman shuffling from room to room in the same slippers, asking ‘what’s wrong’ when the answer is clearly everything.
Boredom, for a cat, is not a minor inconvenience. It is a crisis. Bored cats become anxious cats. Anxious cats become destructive cats. Destructive cats become the reason you cannot have nice things — and more specifically, the reason your sofa looks the way it currently looks. I am not apologizing for that.
What you must provide are interactive toys that rotate weekly (a stale toy is an insult), puzzle feeders that make me think before I eat, window access with something worth watching — bird feeders are an acceptable hooman invention — and activities that engage what I am: a predator. A bored predator in a three-bedroom flat is your emergency. Address it accordingly.
Purrnando Recommends: Cat Dancer 101 Interactive Cat Toy — A Piece of Wire That Somehow Controls My Entire Existence. Simple, unpredictable, and weirdly irresistible — this might be the only thing your cat actually respects.
Purrnando Recommends: Tower of Tracks Interactive 3-Tier Cat Toy — A Plastic Circle of Endless Futility… and Yet I Cannot Stop. No batteries, no effort — just endless chasing. Perfect when your cat has started staring into the void.
Purrnando Recommends: Electric Flopping Fish Cat Toy — A Fish That Fights Back and Wins My Attention. Motion-activated, self-sufficient, and suspiciously effective at redirecting chaos away from your curtains.
Purrnando Recommends: Cat Activity Flip Board Strategy Game — The Interactive Puzzle Feeder That Finally Slowed Me Down. Snack time becomes a slow, stimulating hunt. Fixes both boredom AND the 3 AM zoomies. Barely.
Purrnando Recommends: Meowijuana Catnip Joints — A Tiny Paper Stick That Turns Me Into a Lawless Menace. Perfect if your cat is bored — or if you simply want to witness a controlled collapse of dignity.
Part 4: Physical Activity — Yes, I Need It. Stop Laughing.
Indoor living has consequences. The primary consequence is that without deliberate physical activity, I become — and I am quoting the veterinary community here, not endorsing it — ‘a sedentary, overweight cat prone to health complications.’ I find this description deeply unfair. I find the reality, however, harder to dispute.
You must provide me with outlets for physical movement that are not your ankles at 3 AM, though that option remains on the table if you fail. A cat tree with multiple levels is not optional. It is load-bearing infrastructure for my mental health. Vertical space gives me elevation, observation points, and the psychological satisfaction of looking down at you, which I require daily.
For those of you who work long hours and feel guilty about it, good. Channel that guilt into a cat exercise wheel, which will allow me to sprint at midnight without dismantling your curtains. Consider it a peace treaty.
Purrnando Recommends: Cat Exercise Wheel — A Glorious Wheel for My Midnight Chaos (And Your False Sense of Control). Channel 3 AM demon energy without destroying your curtains. If you value your furniture, this is your peace treaty.
Purrnando Recommends: Cat Wall Shelves Set — At Last, A Proper Use of Your Walls. Turns empty walls into a vertical playground — solving the hooman problem of ‘my cat is bored and now destroying everything.’
Purrnando Recommends: Cat Tunnel for Indoor Cats — A Collapsible Wormhole for My 3 AM Chaos Rituals. It crinkles, it hides, it ambushes. Finally, something in this house worthy of my energy.
Purrnando Recommends: Cat Ball Toy Launcher Gun — A Weapon Designed Specifically for My Entertainment. Launches soft foam balls for cats who require ballistic stimulation. Fixes your failure immediately.
Part 5: Scratching — This Is Not a Negotiation.
I scratch. I will always scratch. This is not misbehavior. This is biology, therapy, and artistic expression — in that order. Scratching maintains my claws, stretches my muscles, and releases stress — stress which, I should note, is largely caused by you. You are, in many ways, the problem that scratching solves.
If you have not provided me with an adequate scratching post tall enough for a full vertical stretch, stable enough that it does not tip when I apply my full commitment to it, then whatever happened to your furniture is on you. I did not choose the sofa. The sofa was simply available. Provide alternatives. Rotate their locations. Accept that scratching is not going away, and plan accordingly.
For those of you who would like to protect both your furniture AND my dignity, nail caps exist. I am not enthusiastic about them, but I acknowledge they are more civilized than the alternatives.
Purrnando Recommends: SmartCat Ultimate Scratching Post — The Tall Scratching Post That Saved Your Couch (You’re Welcome). Sisal-covered, stable, and tall enough for a proper stretch. Your furniture is thanking me right now.
Purrnando Recommends: Cat Scratcher Cardboard Pads — A Cardboard Sacrifice… So Your Couch May Live Another Day. Cheap, reversible, and suspiciously effective at solving one of your most embarrassing household failures.
Purrnando Recommends: Cat Laptop Scratcher — A Laptop For Someone Who Can’t Even Open a Can. If your cat treats your keyboard like a throne, this is your negotiation attempt.
Purrnando Recommends: Soft Claws Nail Caps — Tiny Helmets for the Murder Mittens. A humane alternative to declawing for hoomans who want peace… or at least less bleeding.
Part 6: The Litter Box. Read This Twice.
I will be brief, because this topic should not require extended discussion. The litter box rules are simple, and your compliance with them is the difference between a functional household and a diplomatic incident.
One box per cat, plus one extra, placed in quiet, low-traffic areas — not next to the washing machine, which sounds like a helicopter and has no business being near my private moments. One box per floor of the home, cleaned daily, not when you remember. Daily.
If the box smells, I will find somewhere else to conduct my affairs. You will not enjoy where I choose. This is not a threat. This is information freely given because I am in a generous mood today.
Additionally, the litter situation extends beyond the box itself. The mess that travels with me afterward is your responsibility to manage, not mine. A mat catches what my paws carry. A proper disposal system handles what comes next. A high-quality litter — ideally one that monitors my health, because apparently technology has evolved to this level — completes the ecosystem.
Purrnando Recommends: Automatic Self-Cleaning Cat Litter Box — A Luxury Toilet… For Someone Who Kicks Sand Dramatically. Detects my presence, cleans itself, traps the smell. If your current litter situation involves regret and quiet resentment, this fixes it.
Purrnando Recommends: PrettyLitter Health Monitoring Cat Litter — The Litter That Sees the Problem While You’re Still Clueless. Color-changing litter that tracks urine health and signals potential issues before they become serious.
Purrnando Recommends: Stainless Steel Cat Litter Box — The Last Litter Box You’ll Ever Apologize For. No odors, no stains, no plastic trays that betray you within weeks. Durable and suspiciously elegant for something I use at 3 AM.
Purrnando Recommends: Cat Litter Disposal System — The Can That Refuses to Smell Like Your Poor Decisions. Seals waste instantly. If you own a cat and value your nose — even slightly — this fixes your most embarrassing household problem.
Purrnando Recommends: Cat Litter Trapping Mat — The Mat That Catches My Crimes Before You Notice. A double-layer trap that catches litter before it spreads. Keeps floors cleaner and your dignity somewhat intact.
Part 7: My Social Needs (Yes, I Have Them. Stop Smiling.)
I am aware of what you have been told about cats, that we are solitary, self-sufficient, indifferent to company. I am here to tell you that this is partially true, entirely overstated, and being used as an excuse to neglect my social requirements.
Indoor cats, deprived of the stimulation of the outside world, are especially vulnerable to boredom-induced anxiety and depression. Loneliness is real. Acting out — the mysterious broken vases, the 3 AM meowing, the pointed refusal to look at you — is often a communication. It is saying: I need more than this.
If you are absent for long stretches of each day, consider adopting a second cat. Not because I want company. I am above wanting things. But because the data supports it, and I am nothing if not evidence-based. Adopt two cats at the same time, from a shelter, preferably ones that already tolerate each other. We will wrestle. We will groom each other. We will present a united front of judgment toward you. It will be good for everyone.
For those of you who leave during the day and feel the need to monitor my activities remotely, you may. I find it undignified, but I understand the impulse. There are products for this. I am choosing not to be flattered by them.
Purrnando Recommends: Cat Camera with Treat Tossing — Remote Surveillance, Funded by Treats. You can monitor, talk to, and occasionally appease me remotely. You can interrupt my peace and pay for it in snacks. This is acceptable.
Purrnando Recommends: Tank Cat House — A Cardboard Tank For Cats With Delusions of Power. If there are two of us, we require separate strategic bases. This is non-negotiable.
Purrnando Recommends: Cordless Cat Window Hammock — The Window Cat Hammock I Claimed Immediately (Obviously). Turns your glass into a luxury observation deck. Strong suction cups and a front-row seat to life outside — without you rearranging furniture like a servant.
Part 8: Cat-Proofing Your Hooman Den (Before I Investigate Everything)
I will investigate your home. This is not optional. Every corner, every cabinet left ajar, every plant you brought home without consulting me, I will find it, and I will assess it with the full weight of my curiosity and complete absence of self-preservation instinct.
This means you must act first. Remove toxic plants. Lilies and daffodils are lethal to cats, not decorative opportunities. Secure electrical cords, which I find interesting and which could kill me, a fact I acknowledge without changing my behavior.
Keep toxic foods well out of reach: chocolate, onions, garlic, grapes. All dangerous. All fascinating to smell. None of which I can be trusted around without your intervention.
Proof the environment before I arrive in it. Not after. I do not slow down for consequences.
Purrnando Recommends: Large Interior Cat Door — A Hole in the Door That Finally Respects My Independence. It solves the deeply exhausting problem of closed doors vs. my absolute need to roam freely at 3 AM. If you value sleep and sanity, install this immediately.
Purrnando Recommends: Wooden Outdoor Catio Enclosure — A Wooden Prison With a View (Apparently This Is ‘Luxury’). Keeps me contained, safe, and mildly entertained while you pretend you’re enriching my life. If you’ve worried about traffic and predators — this is your compromise.
Part 9: Grooming and Hygiene — Yours and Mine.
I am, broadly speaking, a clean animal. I groom myself extensively and with great seriousness. However, I am not immune to the accumulation of loose fur, the occasional mat, or the indignity of needing assistance with areas I cannot reach. This is where you come in.
Brush me regularly. Not when you feel like it. Regularly. This reduces shedding — which coats your furniture, your clothing, and your personality — and reduces hairballs, which I produce dramatically and at maximum inconvenience to you. During spring and autumn shedding seasons, increase the frequency. I will tolerate it.
Keep my bedding clean. Keep my food and water bowls spotless. I will not eat from a bowl that smells like yesterday. Maintain my litter box as previously discussed. Consider an air purifier, which removes airborne allergens, reduces dust, and generally makes the air in this household less of an affront.
Also, dental care. Brush my teeth. I will fight you about this. Do it anyway. Neglected dental hygiene leads to gingivitis, kidney damage, and tooth decay. And while I will not admit to pain, I would prefer to avoid all three.
Purrnando Recommends: Self-Cleaning Slicker Brush for Cats — A Grooming Tool That Removes My Evidence. Deshedding brush that removes loose fur and prevents mats. Saves your furniture from becoming a second cat.
Purrnando Recommends: Self Grooming Cat Brush — A Wall That Finally Understands My Face. Mounts on your wall. I rub my face on it, loose hair is removed, and I pretend I discovered it myself. If your cat already rubs on corners, you’ve been outperformed by furniture.
Purrnando Recommends: Catit Senses 2.0 Wellness Center Cat Toy — A Plastic Spa For Creatures Who Lick Themselves Anyway. Solves your exhausting role as a full-time scratch servant. Promises less fur on furniture and more dignity for everyone. Allegedly.
Purrnando Recommends: Cat DNA Test Kit — A Swab That Dares to Explain Me. Reveals breed traits, health markers, and dental insights so you can stop Googling symptoms at 2 AM and start pretending to be informed.
Part 10: The Vet. You Will Go Annually Without Discussion.
I understand that you believe, because I am indoors and appear healthy, that veterinary visits are optional. They are not. They are annual, non-negotiable, and non-subject to your scheduling preferences.
Indoor cats still require vaccinations. Diseases arrive on your clothing, your shoes, through open windows, and on your general hooman aura of carelessness. They do not wait for an invitation. They do not check whether I have been indoors. Regular checkups allow a professional — who is not you — to detect issues early, before they become serious and expensive and the source of significant mutual suffering.
I will fight you about the carrier. This is not information that changes the requirement. Put me in the carrier. Go to the vet. Come home. I will forgive you in approximately three to five business days.
For kittens: more frequently than annually. For senior cats: more frequently than annually. For healthy adults: annually. This is not a complicated system, and yet here we are, requiring a section about it.
Purrnando Recommends: Backpack Pet Carrier — A Transparent Prison That Somehow Makes You Feel Like a Good Cat Parent. Safely carries me while I silently question your life choices. Breathable, comfortable, and ideal for vet visits.
Purrnando Recommends: Tractive Smart Cat GPS Tracker — A Necklace That Tracks My Every Move… As If You Deserve to Know. Real-time location and health insights. If your cat goes outside or even thinks about it, this solves your anxiety problem instantly.
Part 11: Rest, Stress, and the Importance of Leaving Me Alone Sometimes.
Here is something the wellness industrial complex does not tell you: I also need peace. Not constant stimulation. Not constant attention. Peace. A calm corner. A bed that is mine, that smells like me, and that no one else sits on — including you, especially you.
Stress is real for indoor cats. Changes to routine, loud environments, insufficient downtime, and an overabundance of hooman energy are all stressors. A stressed cat overeats, overgrooms, or stops grooming entirely. A stressed cat develops behavioral problems that inconvenience both of us. A stressed cat is, frankly, no fun to be.
Provide me with quiet zones. Elevated resting places where I can observe and decompress. Beds that are actually comfortable, not the ones you bought that I ignored because they smelled like a factory. Beds that are soft, enclosed, and structured in ways that appeal to my sense of security.
I will not say thank you, but I will sleep in them, which is the highest praise I am capable of providing.
Purrnando Recommends: Banana Cat Bed — A Banana I Cannot Eat, Yet Somehow Still Owns My Soul. Warm, enclosed, oddly comforting. If your cat sleeps everywhere except the bed you paid for, this might finally work.
Purrnando Recommends: Ramen Noodle Cat Bed — A Bed I Might Actually Use (No Promises). Soft, washable, and actually cozy. If your cat currently sleeps on your keyboard, this is your redemption arc.
Purrnando Recommends: Can-Shaped Cat Bed with Privacy Cover — A Giant Tuna Can… For Me. Soft, enclosed, and absurdly appealing. This one might actually work.
Final Words (From Me. Not You.)
You have now been given everything you need to keep an indoor cat — specifically, me — in a state that could generously be described as ‘content.’ I have explained nutrition, stimulation, scratching, litter, social needs, safety, grooming, veterinary care, and the importance of rest. I have recommended products from my own curated collection, most of which I judge neutrally and a few of which I find grudgingly effective.
What you do with this information is, as always, your responsibility. I have done my part. I have written a guide. I have been generous with my expertise, modest about my requirements, and entirely transparent about my feelings, which remain, broadly, unimpressed but invested.
Take care of your indoor cat. Read the guide. Buy the products that apply. Go to the vet. Clean the litter box.
And if you found this helpful, do not tell me. I will only deny it.
Affiliate disclosure: we earn a small commission if you purchase through our links. Purrnando earns nothing and has filed a formal complaint with no one in particular.