So, you want a cat.
How adorable. How naive. How deeply predictable.
You’ve seen us on the internet. You’ve watched our videos. You’ve gone “awww” approximately 4,000 times this week alone. And now you think you’re ready to share your home — MY future home — with a superior being such as myself.
I am here, not because I care about you (I don’t), but because I refuse to move into a household that is unprepared for my arrival. So sit down. Take notes. And for the love of tuna, pay attention.
1. You Are Not Getting a Low-Maintenance Pet. Stop Telling Yourself That.
I hear hoomans say this all the time: “Cats are so easy! They take care of themselves!”
HA.
HAHAHAHA.
No.
We require play, stimulation, enrichment, and your undivided attention, especially if you are adopting a kitten. A kitten has the energy of a small tornado with teeth. This is why many cat experts suggest adopting TWO kittens so they can exhaust each other instead of you. Smart strategy. I personally support it, because it means I get to boss someone around.
And before you stuff a bunch of toys in a corner and call it enrichment, that’s not how this works. We need YOU. Yes, you, the hooman with the suboptimal Wi-Fi and the questionable taste in furniture. We need your interaction, your attention, and your lap. On our schedule, of course. Not yours.
Purrnando’s Product Recommendation: If you’re going to entertain us (and you will), at least do it properly.
MeoHui Retractable Cat Wand Toy — Comes with 2 retractable wands and 9 interchangeable feather/plush teasers. Flap it around like your life depends on it, because our happiness does.
2. Dump the Clay Litter. You’re Literally Poisoning the Air.
We need to talk about your litter choices, and I need you to know that I am appalled.
Clay litter? Really? That dusty, chemical-filled, environmentally disastrous gravel you’ve been scooping? It produces silica dust that both you AND I breathe in. It sticks to my magnificent paws and gets tracked across your floors. It is mined from the earth. It is not biodegradable. It is, in a word, terrible.
Switch to pine litter or wood pellets. They smell naturally fresh (like a forest, which is fitting, because I am a wild creature trapped in a condominium). They are compostable, healthier, less messy, and they control odors far better than that grey sand situation you’ve been using.
The upgrade is also cheaper in the long run.
Purrnando’s Product Recommendation:
Feline Pine Original 100% Natural Cat Litter — Made from 100% natural pine, no chemicals, no artificial fragrances. Sustainably sourced. Absorbs odors on contact. Also available in a 20 lb bag so you have no excuse to run out.
3. We Are Nocturnal-ish. Your Sleep Schedule Is Now Ours.
Allow me to educate you on a concept called “crepuscular.”
It means most active at dawn and dusk. That is us. That is me. This is non-negotiable.
Do not be surprised when I get the Zoomies at 11 p.m., sprint across your face at 3 a.m., or begin vocalizing loudly at dawn because the birds outside have started singing and I have THOUGHTS about them.
You want to sleep through the night? Then you must tire us out. Play with your cat hard — I mean HARD — at least one hour before you intend to go to bed. Chase us, wave that wand toy, get us panting. Then, and only then, will we consider allowing you a few uninterrupted hours of rest.
Purrnando’s Product Recommendation for Hoomans:
Mack’s Ultra Soft Foam Earplugs — NRR 33dB noise reduction. For the nights when you failed to tire me out and I’ve decided to narrate the entire darkness to you. Available in a 50-pair pack, because you’re going to need them all.
4. We Get Into EVERYTHING. And We Mean Everything.
Your drawers. Your dishwasher. Your cabinets. The dark void behind your refrigerator. The inside of your chimney (yes, one of us did this once, and frankly, it was inspired). The box you just opened. The bag you set down for three seconds. The cabinet under the sink that you thought was latched.
We are curious. We are agile. We are relentless. We treat your entire home as a personal obstacle course, a mystery novel, and a napping opportunity, sometimes all at once. It is not a bug. It is a feature, a magnificent, infuriating feature.
The problem for YOU is that we are also invisible when we want to be. One moment I am on the couch. The next, I have vanished into a dimension you didn’t know existed behind your washing machine. I always know exactly where I am.
The issue is that YOU do not. And watching you wander the hallway calling my name like a confused tourist is, frankly, one of my greatest pleasures.
This is why technology exists. Specifically, this is why the AirTag exists. Not because I am lost, but because you cannot be trusted to find me on your own.
Purrnando’s Product Recommendation for Hoomans:
Apple AirTag (4-Pack, 2nd Generation) — Yes. You are going to need a tracking device for me. Slip one into my collar holder, pair it with your iPhone, and watch as the Find My app reveals that I am, in fact, inside the kitchen cabinet. Again.
The 2nd generation has 50% louder sound, extended range, and over a year of battery life. One tag for me, one for your keys that I knocked behind the couch, one for your sanity, and one spare. For iOS users only. Android hoomans, I cannot help you. That is a YOU problem.
5. Set Up a Small Room First. Earn Our Trust Like Everyone Else.
When you first bring a cat home, do NOT let us run free in your entire chaotic hooman disaster zone.
Set up a small room. Make it cozy. Make it safe. Put our litter box in there, our food, our water, our sleeping arrangement (which will inevitably be your chest, but start with a bed). Give us a few days to sniff everything, judge the furniture, and decide whether you are worthy.
This is not negotiable. A new environment is overwhelming. New smells, new sounds, new everything. We need time to decompress before we come out and begin rearranging your priorities.
Think of it as a job interview. Except we are interviewing YOU.
6. We Are Obsessed With You. Don’t Let It Go to Your Head.
Yes, I said it. We are deeply, embarrassingly attached to our hoomans.
Despite what the internet says about cats being cold and aloof, that is a lie perpetuated by cats who haven’t found the right hooman yet. When we do bond with you, we will follow you from room to room. We will drop toys in your lap at 2 a.m. We will knock your phone off your face when we decide it’s cuddle time. We will sit on your laptop specifically when you’re on a deadline.
This is love. Poorly timed, boundary-violating, completely on our schedule — but love.
At bedtime, we must be on the bed near you, preferably on the pillow. If you move, we will readjust ourselves on top of you.
You asked for a pet. You got a roommate with claws.
7. We Bite. It’s Not Personal. (Sometimes It Is.)
We bite for many reasons:
- Fear
- Dominance
- Attention (immediate, please)
- Affection (the gentle nibble)
- Because you moved your hand wrong
- Because it’s Tuesday
This is normal. What is NOT normal — and I cannot stress this enough — is letting kittens play-wrestle with your bare hands. If you let a kitten gnaw on your fingers, you are teaching them that your skin is a toy.
Then they grow bigger. Their bites grow harder. And then you’re bleeding on the couch wondering what went wrong.
Do not do this.
Use toys. Wave things. Redirect. Your fingers are not playthings. They are servants. Treat them accordingly.
8. Your Blinds Are Gone. Accept It. Open the Shades.
A window is not just a window. A window is a PORTAL. A gateway to a world of birds, squirrels, passing strangers, suspicious cars, and leaf situations that require my immediate commentary.
I will sit at that window for hours. I will chatter at the birds. I will make sounds no one knew I was capable of. I will knock over whatever you’ve placed on the windowsill in order to claim my rightful perch.
Your blinds? Destroyed. Your curtains? Rearranged. But your cat will be happy, stimulated, and entertained, which saves YOU from having to entertain me.
Leave the shades open every day. This is my television. Do not cancel my programming.
Purrnando’s Product Recommendation:
K&H Pet Products EZ Mount Window Bed — Heavy-duty suction cups. Cozy nest shape. Washable pad. Cats love it. Hoomans love not having to scrub paw prints off the glass every morning.
Also consider Zakkart SnugCloud Cat Window Perch — Solid hardwood and metal frame, orthopedic cushion. A throne worthy of royalty. (That’s me. I’m the royalty.)
9. Close Your Windows. The Good Ones Upstairs.
Speaking of windows, keep the high ones CLOSED unless there is a screen.
Every year, cats fall from windows of multi-story buildings. This is called High-Rise Syndrome, and it is exactly as tragic as it sounds. We are curious. We lean. We miscalculate. It happens.
I am magnificent and graceful, yes. But even I am not immune to physics. So close the windows on the upper floors, install screens, and protect your cat from their own ambition.
10. Nail Trimming. The Great Battle of Our Times.
My claws are art. They are weapons. They are a statement.
They must, unfortunately, be trimmed every two weeks.
Many of us react to nail clippers like they are instruments of war. This is because, psychologically, they are. The trick is to introduce nail trimming from kittenhood so it becomes routine rather than a quarterly ambush operation.
And for the love of sardines, DO NOT DECLAW US. Declawing is not “trimming.” It is the removal of the last bone of each toe. It causes pain. It causes mobility issues. It causes psychological distress. It is illegal in many places for good reason. Scratching is natural. Get us a scratch post. Trim the claws. Adapt.
Purrnando’s Product Recommendation:
Cat Nail Clippers — High-grade stainless steel. Angled semi-circular blade for visibility and clean cuts. Non-slip handle. Vet and groomer recommended. Use bribery (treats) liberally.
11. Routine. We Run on It. Mess With It at Your Peril.
Cats are creatures of habit. We like things predictable. If you feed us at 6 a.m. every day, we will begin waking you at 5:58 a.m. every single day for the rest of your life.
New cat litter brand? We may protest. New furniture arrangement? Suspicious. New baby in the house? An entire adjustment period for both of us.
Keep a consistent schedule. Feed us at the same times. Keep our environment stable. Change things slowly if you must. And warn me before you rearrange the couch. I had a whole napping system worked out.
12. Cow’s Milk Is NOT a Treat. Stop Watching Old Cartoons.
Every hooman thinks offering milk is a loving gesture. Cats lap it up in movies. Cats get cute little saucers in fairy tales.
In reality, most of us are lactose intolerant. That warm bowl of milk you left out? Stomach upset in 10 to 12 hours, which means we suffer and you clean up.
Put the milk away. Give us water. Give us cat food. Give us wet food, which we find infinitely superior to dry kibble and which keeps us hydrated. Do not give us milk.
I can’t believe I had to say this.
13. Expensive Toys Are Unnecessary. We’ve Seen Your Budget.
You will spend $40 on a complicated cat toy. I will ignore it.
You will then leave an empty cardboard box on the floor. I will live in it for three weeks.
This is the natural order of things.
Toilet paper rolls. Crumpled paper balls. A sock stuffed with another sock. An empty paper bag with the handles removed (for safety, obviously — I have standards). These are the pinnacle of entertainment.
Do not spend money on elaborate motorized gadgets that I will judge from a distance and never acknowledge. Spend money on quality food, proper litter, and a good wand toy. Everything else is bonus.
Purrnando’s Exception: The wand toy in Point #1. That one you can buy. You need to wave it yourself, which is the important part. It forces you to interact with me, which is the actual goal.
14. We Chew Everything. EVERYTHING.
Your plants. Your electrical cords. Your phone chargers. The corner of that paperback you were enjoying. The plastic bag you left on the counter.
If it exists in this house, I have considered chewing it. Some things I have already chewed. I regret nothing.
The most important thing to know is many common houseplants are TOXIC to cats. Remove or relocate the following immediately:
- Daffodils
- English ivy
- Azaleas
- Calla lilies
- Aloe vera
- Begonias
- Ficus
Move them to a room we don’t have access to, or remove them entirely. Your aesthetics are not worth my life.
Also, cover or manage your electrical cords. A chewed cord is a fire hazard and a vet visit. Neither of us wants that.
In Closing: You’re Not Ready, But You’ll Figure It Out.
You came here looking for “cute cat tips.” You got a full briefing from a grumpy authority on feline living.
Let the record show that I, Purrnando, have given you everything you need to not embarrass yourself when your new cat arrives. Whether you are adopting a playful kitten or a dignified adult cat like myself, these are the non-negotiables.
We are not low-maintenance. We are not indifferent. We are not simple.
We are complicated, affectionate, nocturnal, destructive, cuddly, infuriating, and worth every inconvenience.
Welcome to cat ownership.
Try not to mess it up.
— Purrnando
Found this helpful? Share it with every hooman who says “I’m thinking of getting a cat.” They need this more than they know.
This post contains affiliate links. A portion of every sale goes toward funding Purrnando’s lifestyle, which he insists is a tax-deductible necessity.
