I did not ask to write this. My hooman practically begged me, which, honestly, is already a bad start. But fine. FINE. I shall descend from my throne (the couch) and bestow upon the hooman species the knowledge you clearly did not receive at birth.
You are all, collectively, a lot. Too loud. Too grabby. Too obsessed with sticking your faces into ours and going “awwww.” I have seen things I cannot unsee.
So here it is. A guide from me to you. Follow it. Don’t embarrass me.
1. Let Us Come to YOU (No, Seriously, Sit Down)
I want you to really hear this: we do not want to be cornered. Not by you. Not by anyone. Scientists in Switzerland — very sensible people — discovered that when hoomans sit back, mind their business, and focus on something else (like a book, a snack, literally anything), cats are far more likely to approach on their own.
You know who cats love? Allergic people. People who are actively trying NOT to interact with us. The irony is not lost on me. It’s actually hilarious. You sneeze, you look away, and suddenly a cat is in your lap. But you stare lovingly at us with your giant hooman eyes and open arms, and we vanish. It’s not personal. It’s science.
Sit. Wait. Read something. Try to look like you don’t care. I know it will be difficult for you.
2. Approach Us Like a Cat, Not Like a Golden Retriever
Hoomans greet each other by shaking hands or, inexplicably, hugging people they barely know. Horrifying. We do not do that.
Cats greet each other with a polite nose-to-nose sniff. It’s dignified. It’s civilized. So when you approach a cat, extend one fingertip — slowly, at our nose level — and let us come to you. Your finger acts as a nose substitute. (Congratulations. Your finger is now a nose.) Most of us will sniff it, investigate, and if you’re lucky — very lucky — we might rub our cheek on it.
That cheek rub? That is a gift. That is us claiming you. Try not to cry about it. It’s embarrassing for everyone.
3. Check What You Smell Like (This Is Important)
Our sense of smell is 14 times stronger than yours. Do you understand what that means? That lavender lotion you put on? Deafening. Your dog’s fur on your pants? We noticed immediately. The garlic you cooked with last Tuesday? Still there.
If a cat keeps retreating when you extend your hand, you smell wrong. Not as a personal attack, just as a fact. Strong perfumes, scented soaps, hand sanitizers, bleach, other animals — all of it puts us off. Switch to unscented soaps and hand products. Your cat will thank you. I will not thank you personally, but I will think slightly less poorly of you.
4. Smell Like One of Us (Yes, There’s a Product for That)
If you’re introducing yourself to a new cat, or if a particular feline in your life has deemed you unworthy, consider smelling less like a stranger and more like a safe, familiar environment. Cat pheromones — the chemical messages we use to mark spaces as safe — can be replicated synthetically.
Products like the FELIWAY Classic Cat Calming Pheromone Spray mimic the natural facial pheromones cats deposit when they rub their cheeks on things they approve of. Some hoomans spray it in carriers, on blankets, or in rooms where cats are being introduced to new things. It essentially tells us: “This place is fine. Relax.” Veterinarians recommend it for travel, vet visits, and stressful transitions.
Will it work on every cat? No. I personally would see through it immediately. But statistically, it helps.
5. Pet Us in the RIGHT Places
So many of you get this catastrophically wrong.
Research from the University of Lincoln in the UK — conducted on 54 cats, none of whom consented, I’m sure — found that cats respond most positively to being petted between the eyes and around the ears. We like that. It’s grooming behavior. It mimics what friendly cats do for each other.
You know what we do NOT like? The base of our tail. I cannot stress this enough. Researchers believe it is overstimulating. So when you pet us there and we suddenly bite you, that is not aggression. That is communication. You were warned. The belly is a trap too. It has always been a trap. Scientists were apparently too wise to attempt it. Follow their lead.
Stick to the head, the ears, between the eyes. That’s the zone. Stay in the zone.
6. Stop Staring at Us Like That
You know what cats do when they stare without blinking? We stare at prey. We’re HUNTING. So when you lock eyes with us and hold a steady gaze, you are, in cat language, threatening to hunt us. Wonderful job.
Instead, slow blink. Close your eyes slowly, then open them. This signals that you are relaxed, that you are not hunting us, that you are, in fact, a relatively non-threatening hooman. Animal experts use this technique to calm frightened cats. It works. I personally use it to acknowledge hoomans who have not yet embarrassed themselves today.
Slow blink. Practice it. It’s the one social skill that will actually help you here.
7. Do Not Block the Exits
We are territorial. We need to know we can leave at any moment. If you crouch in a doorway, hover over us, or otherwise position yourself between a cat and escape, you are perceived as a threat. You may mean well. You may be radiating love. It doesn’t matter. In cats, you are a predator.
Get down to our level. Approach from the side. Make sure we can clearly see a route away from you. Cats bond with people who make them feel they are in control of the space. The moment we feel trapped, the trust is gone. And we have long memories.
8. Play with Us. Properly.
Hear me out because this is important and I will say it only once. Researchers at Oregon State University found that most cats prefer social interaction with hoomans over everything else, including food. YES. We like YOU more than dinner.
But — and I cannot emphasize this enough — the kind of interaction matters enormously. Interactive play that mimics hunting behavior is what gets us truly engaged. Feather wands. String toys. Things that move unpredictably like prey. Not you waving your bare hand at us (we will scratch it) and not you shaking a rattle toy while sitting still (boring).
One of the most consistently loved options is the MeoHui Interactive Cat Wand Toy, with two retractable wands and nine exchangeable feather and plush attachments. It lets you mimic the movements of actual prey, which engages a cat’s full predatory sequence. We stalk. We chase. We catch. It is deeply satisfying.
Regular play builds real trust. Do it every day. Your cat will notice. I will not tell you this made me feel things.
9. Know When to Back Off
There are signs we give you. Flattened ears. A twitching tail. A low, sustained stare. Hissing, if you’ve really pushed it. These are not suggestions. These are instructions.
Most hoomans ignore subtle signs because they love us so much they cannot stop themselves. I understand this impulse. You cannot help yourselves. But continuing to pet a cat who is twitching their tail is the equivalent of someone continuing to talk to you after you’ve put your headphones in. It’s rude. It strains the relationship.
When we give you the signal — any signal — stop. Walk away. Give us space. The moment a cat learns that you respect its boundaries, we will actually want to come back to you. It seems paradoxical, I know. It is not. It is how trust is built.
10. Use Treats. But Be Strategic About It.
Finally, something hoomans are almost competent at.
Yes, you can encourage us to associate you with good things by using food strategically. Notice I said strategically, not desperately. Do not shower us with treats every five seconds. That doesn’t build affection. It builds expectation and then resentment. (We are very good at resentment.)
Instead, use treats to reward moments when we voluntarily approach you. Use them to gently lure a shy or nervous cat toward you. Talk quietly while we eat, so we associate your voice with something positive.
Not every cat is motivated by food. We are, as a species, far more discerning than dogs, who will eat practically anything. You may need to experiment.
INABA Churu Lickable Cat Treats — a creamy squeezable purée that most cats go absolutely feral for. Thousands of glowing reviews. Even picky eaters tend to capitulate.Â
Temptations Classic Crunchy Cat Treats — one of the most popular and affordable cat treat brands in existence. The crunchy-outside, soft-inside texture is, fine, I admit, quite good. Don’t quote me on that.Â
A Final Word from Purrnando
You have now been given a complete guide to earning the approval of a cat. This is information that took your species centuries to discover through scientific research. We have known it all along. We were simply waiting to see if you were worth telling.
Follow these steps. Be patient. Be consistent. Do not smell like a dog. Stop staring. Buy the wand toy.
Whether you earn our affection is, ultimately, still entirely up to us.
Good luck. You will need it.
— Purrnando
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